March 24, 2014 4:35 PM EDT
A terrifying demon clown is stalking the streets of Staten Island, waving green and yellow balloons at the innocents who dare to photograph him.
Witnesses describe the monster as bald, with a very white face, wearing a yellow suit with a puffy white collar. He has a nose redder than the fires of hell, and he wears giant red shoes over his hooves.
Unless this is all just a desperate viral stunt by bored locals, visitors to New York City should be sure to avoid the “forgotten borough.”
Abandon all hope, ye who enter Staten Island.
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